Today

Well today is my 27th birthday. It has been quite a good day.
As it comes to a close and I reflect on my life I have to say I am certainly blessed!
I have family and friends who love me, and a God, who loves me totally unconditionally.
I got a phone call this morning and the message I got was so uplifting to me and encouraging. Thanks Mom #2. And to my sister (from mom #2), who’s birthday is also today, you beat me to the call but yes, I am 27, and thanks for that call too. And to all who wished me a Happy Birthday, I love you all, I love you even if you didn’t say anything to me.
A week ago, After I wrote my last blog a lot has happened. The time at Firestarters was awesome. All those people were so warm and inviting. Even the meeting the night before was great. I love the presence of God! While at Firestarters, at the end was time for prayer, I could feel such a strong prompting to get prayer, so I did.
I had been suffering from depression pretty much my whole life. It was just a way of life and acting. The depressed musician, yea. I had gotten so sick of it. And after such a crazy year, and how messed up “that girl” made my life, I really needed to be set free.
So I got prayer from some people and I could feel a change that night. On the long way home I was happy. Yes. Happy for multiple reasons, mainly because of what God had done that night. Jesus set me free! I still am that way. I smile and laugh for no apparent reason, I think that might be joy creeping in. I guess I just love Jesus.
I’ve heard happy news over the weekend and such, that gives me hope.
I guess when you strip everything away. Take the money, take the stuff, even all my clothes and junk, there is something that cannot be taken. Faith, and hope.
Even if I were to die, I will go to a better place. I would die for Jesus. A martyr.
I’m not going to do something foolish, but in the process of evangelizing, or any other ministry stuff death is always one of those things that can happen. Look at acts, and read Foxes book of Martyrs. I don’t have a death wish, and I would like to live a long life serving God. But I want to do whatever He calls me to.
Anyway, I am no longer depressed.
I’m trying to build a small recording studio in my room.
Work has been fine.
If I’ve never told you I love you, I do love you. If you have been an enemy, or I don’t even know you. I still love you.
God Loves you, Jesus Loves you, but Repent and give your lives to Jesus. God is a God of Love, but also of Justice. If you have broken any of the Law (think 10 commandments), you are guilty and will go to Hell. God is just, and He judges rightly.
There is none that can call themselves a good person. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Jesus IS the only way. It’s a heart change, not some religious ceremony, not some contrived prayer you say and that’s it. It’s about a convicted conscience, the knowledge that you’ve done something wrong. Turn your lives to Jesus! I heard an excellent way to describe this and more, but that is to come later.

Weddings, Weddings, and more Weddings.

So tonight was Kendal and Jess’s wedding. I was at his bachelor party last weekend and went pheasant hunting, that’s a whole story in itself…. I was very sore after it all.
Anyway, The wedding went great, very unique ceremony. I got too see all the ROL people I haven’t seen in almost a year. I haven’t been back there in a year after I stepped down from leading worship and leaving that church. I think from the hurt of various relationships, and not close friendships made it an awkward evening. I think I have come to that point where I don’t have much in common with those people anymore. Maybe it was just because I was single and almost all my friends in my age group are now married. I really don’t have many single friends anymore, and it kind of depresses me. My friends do ‘couple’ things now, as they should, but I feel really left out and forgotten most of the time now. Like no one really cares for me. I feel this way a lot, and with all these circumstances it doesn’t make it any better. Tonight it made me feel like I want out of this place. Like, “Jesus, Take Me Home”. I almost started to cry. Yes, it’s that bad. I didn’t stay for the ice cream, as I wanted to go to Fusion. I really love all those people. I miss them if I don’t see them.
I love all my friends, but I know what would have happened if I would have stayed at the reception. I would have found some spot to sit with some people I haven’t talked to for a while. I’d watch, eat and simple small talk, never really getting anywhere deep.
I love, and thrive on deep conversation, something with meaning. I don’t like small talk.
I’d see all the happy couples, and the newly weds, and get really depressed. Some people would say it’s my choice, I don’t have to get depressed, well guess what... It just happens.
At the end of the night I’d leave alone, sad, mad, and depressed. I wonder if my friends really care how I feel? When I had thought of committing suicide, they just went on with their own lives, I had a ton of those warning sings, and it just seems like everyone just kept on without even thinking about anyone besides themselves. I didn’t do it just because I wanted to live and piss them off because they didn’t even lift a finger to help.
I love to be around people who are HUNGRY for God! Who want to completely surrender their lives to serve Him. I don’t want some mediocre church life that goes nowhere. I don’t like dead religion. I don’t like religion either. Anything that takes away from the true Power of Jesus, and denies, and makes up their own rules and traditions to suit their own needs is not true Christianity. Don’t put God into a box. You want to know the guidelines, what to follow and what not to? You want to know the true power of God and the Holy Spirit, read the bible. Read the Gospels and Acts. Don’t wait for someone to feed you. You have to go fishing. Don’t wait for the fish to come when they want to. You’ll never get a catch sitting on the shore without a line.
Fusion was great. Evangelism training… and they will actually go OUT and do it.
God is calling us out of the walls. We were never supposed to stay inside. One point of the Gospels is that we… GO OUT! I get to do some worship next Friday, and talk with them and get to know some of them better. I know I’m where God wants me right now.
This will be a total God Filled weekend. Fusion, The meeting at Chris’s home, church, and a trip to Ottertail to the Firestarters ministry! God was doing something in my heart tonight about evangelism and the lost. Kind of like a burning or a desire. I had that a year ago and it might be firing up again. I hope so. I think I disappoint Jesus a lot. I don’t always obey, I have disbelief, and other issues. I know He loves me and will never leave, and I still hear Him sometimes. I’m just in an odd phase and place in my life. It’s almost like transition. Maybe the change between 26 and 27 is like this? October 29th. I’ll be 27. I’m almost 30. Sometimes I just don’t know. I think I just want Jesus. Shut out the rest of the world, go live in a cave, farm the land, and worship Jesus. And time to time venture out and preach to the surrounding villages and towns. I want to be married. To the right one that God has planned out for me. I won’t just settle for anything less.

Jesus, Put a burning desire for the lost, the homeless, and the downtrodden into my Heart.
I ask for the boldness to preach your Word. Give me a revelation of Hell, and the severity of the hour at hand where millions are pouring though Hell’s gate every day. I ask for divine opportunities. Remove the uncomfortable, the fear of man, the anxiety, and anything that hinders love and compassion. Help me keep my mind on the Kingdom of God and not on our own world. This is not my home. I only have a short time here. Put my mind, eyes, thoughts, and heart on Your purposes. I ask for an unquenchable Fire!
Come Lord Jesus, Come! My life is yours.

Sign of the times.

So, this weekend Is going to be very busy.

I am seeing a concert tomorrow night with Maynard. Dizmas, Edison Glass, Future of Forestry, and Turn off the Stars at Club 3 Degrees. It should be a fun night. Then, On Friday night, I'm heading out to Cold Spring to go to a bachelor party, which includes pheasant hunting on Saturday Morning. I'm giving him the gift of ammo. I need to buy my small game license, and while I'm at it, my big game (deer) one too. Then on Sunday, I'm going to my uncles place in southern MN and getting my table (and lamp)... Which is over (or around) 100 years old... A family heirloom. I am supposed to get it when I get married (ahem... Glad it didn't happen with "Her name shall not be sung"), but I get it sooner because it sounds like my uncle wants me to have it quicker. Thank you. Then I will go to cabelas and buy some boots. Then Home. And a new week of work, ever getting closer to my 27th birthday.
So, I'll be 27, and unmarried. sigh. I wanted to be married by now (again, Thank You Lord for it not being with "Her"). It seems that ALL my friends are getting married. It's true. So many, just this year too. It's almost like I missed my "slot", but I know that's not true. I don't know if I have any real 'interests', I do, but I just don't know. It's hard to find one that would fit. Do I give up some standards and thoughts just so I can be married, but I'd loose such a part of who I am. The only thing I can do now is just wait and pray. I do pray for my wife, whoever, wherever she is. I just don't know. I only have a few single friends left.
Why can't I be happy in my singleness? My last relationship, which was completely over almost a year ago, was quite the experience. I never want any guy to go though the stuff I had to endure. It's like all the demons from hell were trying to stop us. I don't know how much I was lied to and deceived, I don't really want to know... But if some of that stuff never happened... I just don't want to know really. I wanted out not too long after being in and all the garbage started.
I want to be married, or have a really close lady friend that would lead to courtship, then marriage. Sigh. Lord Help me.
I really want to just focus on the Lord. Not on women and marriage.
Maybe I should put the list of what I'm looking for in a women to marry online.?
What do any of you readers think?

Next Time: The story of AJAX and the Dealer Locator (Yes, Again.).

?

What am I to do?

Many thoughts spinning around through my mind.
To Call or not, to buy or not, to Tell or not.
Who? What? Where? When? Why?
What to change, and what to leave.
Were do You want me Lord?
What do You want me to do?
Who do You want me with?
When are the things You have for me planned?
Why... Because I want to follow Your will.

I am not my own. I belong to Jesus. I gave You my life, my will, my all.
I am Yours.

As the thoughts whirl around my brain, I keep coming back to one thought...
Despite what I may think, feel, or do, All I want to do is follow Your perfect will.
That's all. Remove all the 'stuff' and follow you like I should.

Ah, but what to do?

Meetings, More Productivity, and Fun Drives

So on Saturday night was the monthly prayer/food/fellowship type meeting at Chris and Lance's home. It was a great night, as always. I got a Jason Upton Great River Road CD from Lois… awesome. I love that music. It was just a generally good night. Yea, some good stuff happened that night. Then On Sunday a few of us went to the North Shore. It was an awesome day. It was so beautiful, the fall colors were so vibrant. I mean, it’s October 1st, it’s warm, sunny, and oh so wonderful, on the North Shore...Amazing. I’ll have some pictures from that too… thanks to my new Film Scanner.
Yesterday was quite productive. I got lots of stuff done on my day off. Pay off tax people, try to get loan (which didn’t happen), oil change and other stuff. It was a good day.
Today at work was good and productive too… got work done. Good. A few more days, then fun at Club 3 degrees for a show. Nice. Lots of stuff to come in the future. Fun Times.

Memories

I now have my film scanner. Here is me at four years old.
This was taken my someone at the property we used to own in Cross Lake MN. I think this was during Memorial Day Weekend. They are part of a series. I’ll be making a series of the images soon.